The thump.

The problem with having such an in tune heart is that you feel every emotion so much more intensely. The good thing about having such an in tune heart is that you are privileged to feel so strongly.

I know that statement won't make sense to a lot of people, but open heart changes you. For so long I feared the constant heart beat... wait. Let me explain. I can feel it. Like... it. My heart. Every single beat. I feel it pumping blood through every single vein. I hear it's pounding even in my head. I can feel every thump it makes. Every thump. It's gotten more quiet, or maybe I've grown more accustomed to it. But it's always there. Reminding me that it has been in someone's hands. Literally pumped back to life. By someone's hands. It still amazes me. Maybe I'm being a bit dramatic. Yes. I'm being dramatic.

Back to the point. What was the point? Hands. Pumping. Hearts. Emotions. Ah, yes, emotions. I hate them. Or maybe I love them. I don't know.

The point is that I got really good at quieting them. Emotions, that is. But the problem remains that I cannot quiet the thump. But perhaps it isn't a problem after all. Perhaps, through all of my attempts in quieting my emotions, I neglected my heart so that it could decide on it's own. Decide what was worthy of the thump. Because it tugs at me in this strange way, as if it's saying... "... go on... thump... allow your heart to be pumped back to life." And, I mean, I tried to quiet it... and i tried to ignore it. But thump. It's still there. And the problem with having such an in tune heart is that... no. I shouldn't talk in circles. The good thing about having such an in tune heart is that... yes. You are privileged to feel so strongly. Privileged. Because I couldn't feel... I wouldn't feel... I shouldn't feel what I do. If it wasn't real.

I don't know what I was thinking. Sorry heart. Thump on.

My tummy hurts

Sometimes I wish I could be a kid again. I miss the days where my Mom would put a bandaid on a "boo boo" that wasn't even bleeding. Just because it made me feel better.

There's really something to say about that kind of love. The love that says "I'm doing this to make you feel better even though it isn't necessary."

It must take a lot of sacrifice for parents to achieve selfless love like that. Maybe some never do. I suppose I was one of the lucky kids.

I still text my Mom when I'm sick. In fact, I just did. She didn't even ask what was wrong, she just began the response with "poor baby." You see, to her it doesn't matter the who, the what, the where, the why. All that matters is me, and my well being.

Wouldn't it be beautiful if everyone loved so selflessly?

In my weakest moments I'm reminded of my strongest bonds. The people I turn to when I feel helpless, alone, afraid, confused, or when I just have a tummy ache. Those are the people I love the most.

I hope I tell them that enough.

Because.

My heart hurts.

The holidays are hard for me because they stir up the anniversary of my achievement in beating death. Because it is still so hard for me to accept it as an achievement.

I have realized that I don't let others into the dark parts of my soul because it's too scary in there for even myself to reveal. But I'm thinking that maybe it's time. Because I'm realizing it's long overdue.

There's no pity party to throw because I have no one to blame but myself. But there is a lot of hurt and pain that I've swept under the rug for far too long. Writing helps. But it's not enough. I need to say things out loud that I've been too afraid to admit to my own mind. Why? Because the fear of making myself vulnerable. The fear of not being accepted. The fear of having no more scars to hide behind.

Sometimes I torture myself just because hurting seems easier than healing. But a broken me is a destructive me. And, oh, do I long to be unbroken.

You see... my heart wants to love so badly. It wants to be loved so badly. So it is time too rid myself of this burden I have been carrying for 3 years. Because unless I heal my own heart, I'll never be capable of fully giving it to someone else.

It's time to flip the script.
To start a new scene.

... a love scene.

Why?

Because my heart no longer belongs to just me.

Bubble Bath Rants

I find drips extremely annoying. You know, like a faucet drip. But the thing about a drip is that it really bothers you at first, when you notice it. And as time goes by, you get used to it. However, the annoyance still subconsciously lingers.

For me, that's how life after open heart surgery was. That annoying lingering drip. I did nothing to cause it. Yet I nothing to silence it. I just grew accustomed to the annoyance.

...and so it pestered. For years.

Then one day I had an epiphany.

I got up, tightened the screw, and realized it was that easy all along.

In conclusion, I have decided to write a book. Not of self loathing, but of thanks. A book of thanks. Thanks for the drip.

Because what that drip has taught me is that I have a choice. I own my decisions. My "yesses" as well as my "no's" belong to me and no one else. And that, my friends, is a beautiful discovery.

Awakened

Every day I'm learning to endure life's pain in order to discover it's beauty. I am learning to live for the first time in my life. I know I am very far from perfect, but I can see that now. And accepting your own imperfections is a liberating feeling.

"Rejection" has been something I've struggled with since open heart. Sometimes it was just the fear of rejection. I didn't date because I feared guys would no longer find me pretty. I didn't audition because I feared the chick with the scar wouldn't get cast. I didn't go for the jobs I wanted because I felt insecure. I hid behind my fears because it was easier. But I slowly started to realize that rejection is a part of life. All rejection tells us on the surface is "no." It is a brutal reminder that we are not perfect. But here's the truth. You never will be.

The happy reality is that the perfect relationship, role, job, or whatever you desire is still out there. Rejection may seem like it's telling us "no" when it is really saying "wait." Be patient. Don't lose hope. And more than anything, never stop going after what you want.

After all, you've got a 50/50 chance at getting a yes. Take it from someone who survived the odds. Your yes is out there waiting to be discovered, but you'll never find it until you try for it.

Scars

Sometimes I wonder if people think I'm crazy. Then I remind myself that I don't care.

Learning to live life from a perspective of death is unexplainable. It exposes you to the world in ways you may not even want.

The way I see it, there are two options in life. To hide behind the mask of who you want people to see you as, or expose them to the raw pieces of who you really are.

When you look at yourself in the mirror, are you really the person you want to see? Because that is who you have to live with.

Be YOU, bravely.
Hold nothing back.

Still tickin'

It has been 2 years, 9 months, and 24 days since my heart stopped beating.
Since I breathed a brand new breath.
Since I took a new lease out on life.

... and I just finally woke up.

I am here to live as passionately as possible, with as much passion as possible.
I am here to laugh. To love. To inspire. To simply "be" in every single moment. Every single day.

Get ready. Are you ready?
... no one ever is. Lesson #1.