Because.

My heart hurts.

The holidays are hard for me because they stir up the anniversary of my achievement in beating death. Because it is still so hard for me to accept it as an achievement.

I have realized that I don't let others into the dark parts of my soul because it's too scary in there for even myself to reveal. But I'm thinking that maybe it's time. Because I'm realizing it's long overdue.

There's no pity party to throw because I have no one to blame but myself. But there is a lot of hurt and pain that I've swept under the rug for far too long. Writing helps. But it's not enough. I need to say things out loud that I've been too afraid to admit to my own mind. Why? Because the fear of making myself vulnerable. The fear of not being accepted. The fear of having no more scars to hide behind.

Sometimes I torture myself just because hurting seems easier than healing. But a broken me is a destructive me. And, oh, do I long to be unbroken.

You see... my heart wants to love so badly. It wants to be loved so badly. So it is time too rid myself of this burden I have been carrying for 3 years. Because unless I heal my own heart, I'll never be capable of fully giving it to someone else.

It's time to flip the script.
To start a new scene.

... a love scene.

Why?

Because my heart no longer belongs to just me.